I made it in yesterday just under my caloric intake for the day (according to www.calorieking.com.au). Yes, I know I said I didn't want to become a slave to calorie counting, but I am at the moment because I want to keep myself aware of what my food choices look like, nutritionally speaking. I've only just had lunch today and already I only have 614 calories left for the day, which leaves me feeling ... a little disheartened. And it's because I was starving at morning tea time, and had a slice of the pear and raspberry bread I'd made for the kids yesterday. And then I had another one. Because I'd eaten the first slice so fast, being hungry, so my hunger wasn't satisfied yet. Meanwhile each slice has 245 calories in it.
See? This is why I don't want to become a slave to calorie counting. On the other hand, it might be good to be able to move to a mindset where I would just automatically say to myself, "Gee, I'm a bit peckish. I delicious raw carrot might be in order."
So I've already done my workout for the day today. Yesterday I'd decided that today's plan was to wake up really early (@ 6 am), get up, breakfast and get things organised for the day, and then work out once my partner had left for work and before the kids were up and about and getting in the way.
Needless to say it didn't quite work out this way. I woke up at 6.10 am (because naturally I wasn't so serious about my plan that I bothered to set the alarm), and promptly rolled over and dozed for a while because I was still tired (I didn't go to bed until 11.30 last night and it always takes me some time to actually get to sleep). So I finally dragged myself out of bed at 6.40 am. Had breakfast but spent time browsing around online, "looking for inspiration" and generally wasting time. Kept bargaining with myself that I'd start my workout at 7.30, 7.45. 8.00. Finally started at around 8.10. All the kids then wanted to watch and comment and critique. Suddenly they discover lots of things they need to tell me that they hadn't thought to tell me when they got home from school yesterday or at breakfast this morning. The little one wants to join in and she's getting under my feet and I trod on her twice. Still, I persevered.
Last night I cooked spag bol for dinner. Probably a mistake when you're trying to lose weight, but especially so for me because for some reason eating spaghetti makes me hungry. As in, an hour afterwards my stomach is rumbling. I'm not sure why - maybe it's the sucking in of spaghetti causing me to swallow lots of air? Doesn't seem to happen with other pasta, so that's the only conclusion I can make. Anyway, after dinner last night I was feeling hungry. But I felt quite virtuous over the fact that I didn't eat any after dinner snacks. Instead I just had my usual cups of peppermint tea. Mind you, it didn't stop me from feeling resentful when my partner was helping himself to chocolate (there is *always* chocolate in the house). But as I'm trying to (a) stop snacking of a night, and (b) go cold turkey on chocolate for a couple of weeks, I didn't have any.
As I said though, I felt resentful. Why? Because I have justified my nightly chocolate binges for the past 18 months with, "Why not? It's the only pleasure I have in life at the moment."
And this reasoning is very key, for me. Food has become a huge comfort. It's an escape from boredom and the ho hum of my daily existence. I really, genuinely love good food, but I eat because there's nothing else to do, and because I feel like there's nothing else "good" in my life. I mentioned yesterday, I've been frustrated by the lack of opportunities for me to indulge my interests in recent years, and as a consequence my brain has sort of gone, "Screw you guys - I'm going home" and refuses to play any more.
So I think I've stumbled onto something very important with the whole idea of putting the fun back in my life. If I'm engaged and actively participating in my life, I don't have the excuse that food is my one consolation any more.
Hmm ... talk about food for thought.
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