Week 2: Weigh In

This week’s stats:

Weight: 99.0 kg

Chest: 117.5 cm

Hips: 125cm

Thigh: 70cm

Feeling quite chuffed about this result (since, you know, I’ve been working so hard for a whole week and all). Although, during the week I had been thinking that I hadn’t been under 100 kg in about 3 years. Checking back on my weigh-ins on Calorieking, however, I was 97 kg in June last year. Prior to that my weight had been up to 106 kg.

But now I’m in double figures again. So that feels like a milestone. Looking back over my weigh-ins, it’s interesting to see how my weight has gradually increased in the past 6 years. I first started in June ’05, weighing in at 85 kg, and managed to get myself down to 76.5 kg. I know that I stopped tracking my progress for a while there and actually weighed about 72 kg at one point. But then there is a huge break and my next weigh-in my weight was back up to 84 kg. Then another break and I’m 92 kg. And another and it’s up even more.

Another interesting thing is in the past 3 or 4 years, I’ve never sustained any of my efforts for more than 2 weigh-ins. So I’ve never made it past 2 weeks. Which means that this week, it’s going to be critical to keep my motivation up. Today, I feel like the motivation is there, so I’ll have to really buoy myself with these positive feelings.

Over the weekend, while I exercised on Saturday, I didn’t quite manage it on Sunday. Instead, we visited my mum, who lives a couple of hours away, and it was pouring raining, so no hope of getting out for a walk or anything of that kind. And being at my mum’s meant that I pretty much spent the day grazing. Although, I had taken the food, and I had tried to buy things that were reasonably healthy, so at least I was grazing on decent food. And you know, I don’t consider this a failure, or a slip-up. I just consider this “life”. Sometimes things don’t work out the way you plan.

This morning I’ve done my workout on the stationary bike. I pushed myself a little and am currently averaging 24 km/hour. It’s only for 30 mins, so that’s quite sustainable for me. I feel energised and healthy.

These are the feelings I need to remember if my motivation begins to flag …

Day 6: Thursdays and Fridays are the new weekend!

Yesterday on the train - which is where I have all my profound thoughts - I decided that since I work on Thursdays and Fridays, making exercise on those days problematic (for the time being, at least), I would declare Thurs/Fri to be the new weekend and therefore exercise-free, and instead work out on Saturday and Sunday.

The vague plan I have been formulating in my head has me working out 5 days a week (Mon - Fri), and then catching some "incidental" exercise on the weekends through things like a bike ride with the kids, a Sunday bushwalk, going to the beach or pool etc. But at the moment, I just can't fit in exercise on my work days. Partly because I am new to this job, and working outside of the home in general, so I'm adjusting to the whole rigmarole of rushing around, getting the kids organised, getting myself organised, getting lunches in bags and getting out the door to take the kids to their respective childcare places. In a couple of months' time it will all be easy-peasy, I'm sure, but for now, I just want to get used to it. And in the evenings when I get home, I just want to sit and be with the family for a while, and once I've done that and we've had dinner and it's bathtime and bedtime etc, it's too late to be working out because I can't get to sleep afterwards.

So, I will be working out from Saturday to Wednesday. Since this is already my "housework week", owing to the fact that nothing gets done on Thursdays and Fridays any more, it kind of makes sense (a massive pile of washing accumulates on these 2 days because I don't have time to do it so at the moment my weekend is spent catching up on the laundry).

Now that I feel that I've mapped that out, I feel quite positive about it all. I'm feeling good about other things, too. For example:

1. Food. I am keeping to my calorie intake for each day. I think I've gone over by about 50 cals on most days, but this is nothing to sweat over. According to www.calorieking.com.au I have 1800 calories per day (net - so when I exercise I get more). I've read through other blogs and some people drop straight down to 1200 - 1500 calories per day. That's a little extreme for me. I'd rather ease myself down there. That said, my attitudes to feed have experienced a huge turnaround this week. I'm trying to incorporate a lot more vegies into my diet than I previously had. Last night my partner said he'd cook home-made pizza for dinner. Normally I don't like his pizzas as I think he doesn't put on enough toppings, but last night I was glad for the lack of cheese and other junk I would normally put on. I had three smallish slices and no dessert (the nutella pizza he'd made!) Above all with my eating, and having monitored my calories this week, I am seeing that I can eat 3 normal, healthy meals per day and still have calories left over in my allowance for snacks. The idea I'd had that food was my reward starting to change.

2. Work. This was only my third week at my new job. Prior to this year, I had not worked since my eldest child was born. Well, I'd done a lot of voluntary work (and from a resume perspective, let me just say thank gawd for that!), and I'd worked as a singer from time to time (but not with any regularity), but for the most part, I hadn't done any paid work for 11 years.

For the first couple of weeks at this job, I felt a bit lost. Thinking I was in over my head, and that the job was a bad fit for me (it's in accounts, which I've never really done much of before). But this week, the pieces of the puzzle started to fit and it all started to make sense. I feel like I have grasped what I'm doing and how it all fits into the machine (I am not a person who can do a job for months on end without knowing why I am doing it. Some people are happy doing things this way but I am a person who needs to know the bigger picture.) So where previously I was feeling very apprehensive about going to work on my work days, I now feel really quite positive.

3. Play. I'd mentioned previously that I'd lost interest in hobbies - more specifically amateur theatre. Was talking to a friend this week, and discussing shows that were up and coming, and she mentioned that one society near me was doing The Sound of Music. Yes, very old school. But it's a show that's a possibility for me - being more on the middle-aged side of things I think I could totally rock a nun's habit. Auditions should be in a few weeks, so I really need to start singing again in preparation - and more specifically to plan an audition song. Rodgers and Hammerstein is perfect for my voice (which, again, is old school - I am sooo not a belter).

Also in this category is my attempt take up sewing. I bought myself a new sewing machine for my birthday earlier this year, and took it out for the first time a couple of weeks ago. And hemmed a pair of jeans. I was so chuffed with the attempt (I did it the proper way (which I'd read about on some blog, somewhere, a long time ago, but the only site I can find that shows how to do it well is the one of linked at DaciaRay.com - so thanks, DaciaRay!)) and vowed to do more sewing. I had a dress I'd thrifted which I planned to turn into a skirt which was to be the next project ... but at the moment all I've done is to unpick the skirt part from the bodice part. It's now waiting for me to refashion it into a skirt. Which I promise I will do this weekend. I'll be able to wear it to work for Casual Friday (I was a little overdressed this week). I also have grand plans for sewing myself a plain shift dress for work as my next project.

So all in all, I am in a good frame of mind this week. I think these changes are permanent. I think my life is changing for the better.

Day 4: Why are tasty snacks so high in calories?

Along with my reborn health and fitness comes a desire to provide my family with more "natural" snacks. I put "natural" in inverted commas because I really just mean that I bake stuff for them instead of buying them packaged foods such as muesli bars etc.

Last night as part of this endeavour I decided to bake something close to muesli bars, and made a choc chip and oat slice. I took a very small piece of it to work with me today but didn't end up eating it (will save for tomorrow now). But just had a piece for an evening treat not so long ago.

Now, because I want to be honest with myself, I went to the trouble of calculating exactly the nutritional value of my snack via the recipe calculator at Sparkpeople. And now I kind of wish I hadn't. 202 freaking calories in that one little square. And possibly not the healthiest of snacks to be sending my children off to school with ...

Oh, and I haven't exercised today. I had planned to go for a walk tonight, but by the time I got home from work, got dinner on the table, took small people off to bed and did a few other bits and pieces, my energy was totally sapped. Also, I didn't sleep well last night, so I'm really quite tired now and planning on an early night.

And I didn't sleep well last night because I was dreading going to work today. I'm new in this position and am not sure if it is a good fit for me, personality wise. Or possibly it's just that I don't "know" the business yet, and once I do and feel comfortable with my role I'll feel better about the job. I felt like I made progress today - suddenly understood a few things that were previously bewildering and things are starting to fall into place. So now I'm not dreading going in tomorrow.

One good thing about going to work is that I don't have the opportunity to snack. When I'm at home, anything is a good excuse for a snack. Swept the floor? Have a biscuit! Washed some dishes? How about some toast! At work, I have my lunch that I packed earlier in the day and that's it. I'm too busy with my work to even contemplate a snack. So because I haven't snacked all day and only ate my lunch while at work (which was a healthy ham and salad wrap and banana), I am still within my calorie intake despite my 200 calorie choc chip and oat slice, and despite the fact I didn't exercise today.

Talking of exercise, I will need to figure out a plan of attack for next week for two purposes: 1) it's school holidays next week which means less incentive to get up early and 2) how to figure in exercise on work days.

Hmmm ...

Day 3: Thoughts

Still keeping on. I was apprehensive this morning as I've been on this ride so many times now, and I'm aware that by day 3 I tend to start craving sweets and chocolate. The chocolate cravings didn't happen today, but I did find myself craving tonic water. I'd started drinking tonic water as an adult "treat" a few weeks ago, but usually one is enough. Today, however, I had three glasses of tonic water. A complete waste of calories, but more manageable than a craving for chocolate, I guess.

I realise that planning ahead is going to be important for my motivation and stick-to-it-ness. Tomorrow (and Friday), I'm working, so I don't have the luxury of postponing my workout until late in the morning. I've decided, instead, to do a walk after work tomorrow night after the kids have gone to bed. I have a route I follow that takes me about 5.5km up and down some very hilly parts of my neighbourhood.

Despite my tonic water binge today, I have kept within my calories today. Pretty much. My fat and carbohydrate intakes are both through the roof, however, whilst my protein intake is only about half of the recommended intake. At some point I will need to address this, but not yet.

I have been looking at other options for getting back into my hobbies. I used to perform in amateur musicals, but have lost interest in the past couple of years. For a long while I'd been able to get away with playing roles much younger than my actual age. But I'm 40 now. I look fat and middle-aged. Not many roles for older, chubby women in musical theatre (finding a role as a slim, younger woman is difficult enough!) But a theatre group close to me is doing a show that does have roles for older women. Auditions will probably be next month or November. I'm thinking of auditioning.

So. Small steps. It all helps.

Day 2: Thoughts

I made it in yesterday just under my caloric intake for the day (according to www.calorieking.com.au).  Yes, I know I said I didn't want to become a slave to calorie counting, but I am at the moment because I want to keep myself aware of what my food choices look like, nutritionally speaking.  I've only just had lunch today and already I only have 614 calories left for the day, which leaves me feeling ... a little disheartened.  And it's because I was starving at morning tea time, and had a slice of the pear and raspberry bread I'd made for the kids yesterday.  And then I had another one.  Because I'd eaten the first slice so fast, being hungry, so my hunger wasn't satisfied yet.  Meanwhile each slice has 245 calories in it.

See?  This is why I don't want to become a slave to calorie counting.  On the other hand, it might be good to be able to move to a mindset where I would just automatically say to myself, "Gee, I'm a bit peckish.  I delicious raw carrot might be in order."

So I've already done my workout for the day today.  Yesterday I'd decided that today's plan was to wake up really early (@ 6 am), get up, breakfast and get things organised for the day, and then work out once my partner had left for work and before the kids were up and about and getting in the way.

Needless to say it didn't quite work out this way.  I woke up at 6.10 am (because naturally I wasn't so serious about my plan that I bothered to set the alarm), and promptly rolled over and dozed for a while because I was still tired (I didn't go to bed until 11.30 last night and it always takes me some time to actually get to sleep).  So I finally dragged myself out of bed at 6.40 am.  Had breakfast but spent time browsing around online, "looking for inspiration" and generally wasting time.  Kept bargaining with myself that I'd start my workout at 7.30, 7.45. 8.00.  Finally started at around 8.10.  All the kids then wanted to watch and comment and critique.  Suddenly they discover lots of things they need to tell me that they hadn't thought to tell me when they got home from school yesterday or at breakfast this morning.  The little one wants to join in and she's getting under my feet and I trod on her twice.  Still, I persevered.

Last night I cooked spag bol for dinner.  Probably a mistake when you're trying to lose weight, but especially so for me because for some reason eating spaghetti makes me hungry.  As in, an hour afterwards my stomach is rumbling.  I'm not sure why - maybe it's the sucking in of spaghetti causing me to swallow lots of air?  Doesn't seem to happen with other pasta, so that's the only conclusion I can make.  Anyway, after dinner last night I was feeling hungry.  But I felt quite virtuous over the fact that I didn't eat any after dinner snacks.  Instead I just had my usual cups of peppermint tea.  Mind you, it didn't stop me from feeling resentful when my partner was helping himself to chocolate (there is *always* chocolate in the house).  But as I'm trying to (a) stop snacking of a night, and (b) go cold turkey on chocolate for a couple of weeks, I didn't have any.

As I said though, I felt resentful.  Why?  Because I have justified my nightly chocolate binges for the past 18 months with, "Why not?  It's the only pleasure I have in life at the moment."

And this reasoning is very key, for me.  Food has become a huge comfort.  It's an escape from boredom and the ho hum of my daily existence.  I really, genuinely love good food, but I eat because there's nothing else to do, and because I feel like there's nothing else "good" in my life.  I mentioned yesterday, I've been frustrated by the lack of opportunities for me to indulge my interests in recent years, and as a consequence my brain has sort of gone, "Screw you guys - I'm going home" and refuses to play any more.

So I think I've stumbled onto something very important with the whole idea of putting the fun back in my life.  If I'm engaged and actively participating in my life, I don't have the excuse that food is my one consolation any more.  

Hmm ... talk about food for thought.

Day 1: 19 September 2011

I think it's kind of convenient that I have nearly, almost exactly two months until a key calendar date in my busy, busy schedule.

In two months' time, I am booked to attend a singing workshop.  Honestly, at this stage, I'm not 100% sure that it is going ahead, but it's a useful milestone, nevertheless, for a couple of reasons.

First of all, it's a key date for me to work towards.  To plan that in two months' time I will be so much fitter, stronger.  Maybe I will have lost weight.  Who knows?

Secondly, I will be doing something that was previously "fun" for me.  I sing.  But in the past couple of years, due to lack of suitable opportunities, my motivation to do so has waned.  Which is kind of a bummer because it truly is something I enjoy.  So when I saw this workshop advertised, I booked myself on it, even though it was months away, because it was exactly the sort of thing that does interest me, and I figured it might possibly open up some other opportunities for me.

So, this workshop will kind of kill three birds with one stone for me.  It's a milestone date, it's a reward I'm giving myself, and it's rekindling some of the fun in my life.  Something to work towards.

Anyway.  Since this is Week 1, Day 1, I figured I needed some vital statistics:

Weight:  101.5 kg
Height:  166 cm
Chest:  118 cm
Waist:  107.5 cm
Hips:  126 cm

So there you have it.
 
I do not want to become a slave to calorie counting.  My plan - initially at least - is simply to be aware of what goes into my mouth, and to do some form of exercise 5 days a week.  That said, I have tried this several times before and my plans have come to nothing.  I've tried being super strict about it, and I've tried baby steps, and it's ended in failure.  I have no guarantee that this time will be any different, but I'm still going to try.

The beginning

 I turned 40 earlier this year.  In the months leading up to The Big Day, I made all sorts of promises to myself that I would turn 40 in style.  I would be fit and fabulous.  I would be glamorous.  I would drop the excess weight I was carrying.  And as you may have guessed, since I'm here writing this, none of these promises eventuated in any action.  So here I am - still 40 and fat.

I have spent a great deal of time in the past few years convincing myself that I'm okay with how I look.  And, you know, I am for the most part.  But there's also a part of me that isn't.  I have to search hard to find the pretty girl I used to be inside the fat, middle-aged woman.  I can primp and preen in front of the mirror and convince myself that I look okay, but then I catch a glimpse of myself in a shop window or passing by a mirror, or see a photo in which I'm not posing strategically, and I don't look okay at all.  I'm shocked at what I see because the reality doesn't match my mental image.  I look fat.

Worst of all, however, I'm not healthy, I don't eat well, and I'm not fit.  I get puffed easily, just from walking briskly.  I have thyroid problems, which I'm sure are related to my weight, as much as I would like to tell myself otherwise. My knees protest at my excess weight.  I have plantar fasciitis in one of my feet (and threatening in the other).                  

The other issue I have is that I am very dissatisfied with my life.  I am bored.  The other night, I went out with a friend to the theatre.  On the way home, I was reflecting on how boring I seem to have become.  I have nothing interesting to talk about.  Somewhere along the line I have lost interest in the things that previously interested me.  I have no hobbies at the moment.  My life has become completely mundane and merely functional.  This is no way to live.

So I hereby declare that it is my intention to put the fun back into my merely functional life.  Firstly, to get fit and healthy, in support of this.  And to try new things.  Go to new places.  Get back into my hobbies.  And enjoy life again.

And today is the beginning.