Week 6: Weigh In

Weight:  96.0 kg

Chest:  115 cm

Waist:  100 cm

Hips:  120 cm

Thigh:  67 cm

Wow!  I can't believe I'm still here!  I continue to grow smaller.  This is good, especially given the fact that I have gone off the rails a bit over the past week.  I started the week off by making an extremely delicious chocolate cake.  I should point out here that the motivation for making the chocolate cake was feeling extremely depressed.  I didn’t know what to do about it to cheer myself up, and the cake was the result.  Nurturing myself through food.  See?  I learned something!  Food has become a way of caring for myself. 

But at least I know I have to change that way of thinking. 

Oh, and another thing I learned is that if you are going to bake a cake, baking it in a bundt pan is a really good idea.  Usually a cake in this house is devoured within 24 hours.  Often by me, for the most part.  But this one, despite its chocolate-y goodness, lasted about 3 days.  It’s awfully hard, for me anyway, to cut yourself a big slab of bundt cake that would be equivalent of, say, an 8^th of the cake.  It just doesn’t look right.  Much easier to cut yourself an 8^th of a round cake. 

This week I am contemplating joining a gym.  I have found one nearby that is only $12 per week, which seems eminently reasonable to me.  I must admit, though, that what holds me back is being the “fat one” in the class.  I spoke to the guy on the phone for some time, and he seemed nice and didn’t at all pressure me into signing up or anything.  He advised me on what classes would be best for weight loss and pretty much left the ball in my court.  I don’t know.  Is it just my fear of being judged as a fat person?  They have some daytime classes that I could make on days I’m not working (there is a free crèche, too) as well as a couple of weekend classes and even a bellydance class later one night.  But the negative voice in my head is trying to convince me that those classes would be full of skinny mums who would have nothing better to do than to think about how fat I am and laugh at my efforts  to keep up with the instructor. 

Even as I type that, I know how ludicrous it sounds, but still the fear is there.  Even though I know that overweight people join gyms every day.  And even though I know how much better I will feel when I’m fitter and stronger.  Even though going to the gym will solve some of my problems with fitting in exercise (such as embarrassment/inconvenience about working out at home in front my partner and occasionally children).  Despite all the positives, I keep focusing on the negatives.